Recently I've been thinking about what it is to be enough, to yourself, to peers, to family, colleagues, teachers etc, and what it all really boils down to. I like to believe that being authentically yourself is enough, and it absolutely should be, but it doesn't always feel that way. I wonder why that is and how do you cope with that? So I've decided to write a bit about the way I feel, my thought process, and some coping strategies found through my own experiences so that maybe someone can relate, or even help someone else out.
Sometimes when you don't feel like you fit in you start to doubt your self worth, and question if the reason you feel that way is because of yourself. Maybe your way of coping is to isolate yourself, because if you're not present you can't feel that way. The logic is there, but I think it's flawed. Isolating yourself shouldn't be the answer, but putting yourself in situations where you feel uncomfortable or lonely shouldn't be either. Surrounding yourself with people who enjoy you and your presence, with no expectations, is the best, but not always as easy as it seems. Maybe you try to put on a front, someone who is more confident, more fun loving, more relaxed or more in control, but eventually that will get exhausting, and you'll start to lose your own identity. Trying to be enough for the world rather than yourself is mentally, physically and emotionally draining. Ulitimately, you'll end up frustrated, and that anger has to come out somewhere, whether that's yourself or others. Neither are great. So no matter how hard it may be, you should never be anything but yourself.
I feel like some of these stresses and anxieties can come from life traumas, like past relationships or friendships, family, education or even work. The need to please others, to feel like you are making people proud is huge, and a lot of pressure. Any slip up could create a chink in your armour, the facade of the person that is always in control. It isn't possible to be in control all the time, life doesn't work that way, but I feel like a little structure is important. That structure needs to be flexible, to adapt to current needs and situations that couldn't be anticipated. But structure also incites progress, and moving forward can help overshadow any feelings of self-doubt by overriding them with feelings of achievement and accomplishment. One easy coping mechanism to deal with those feelings of not being good enough, is to list your achievements. No matter how small they may seem. Some examples could include a good grade on a test, cleaning your room, getting a new job, finding a new hobby, making a new friend, even getting up and having a shower. If you've survived another day, then you deserve a pat on the back. There should aways be someone that's proud of you, and if there isn't, drop me a message, and i'll be proud of you, and we can be proud of each other. And then maybe you'll make a friend. And that can be your achievement for today.
Listening to those feelings that make you doubt yourself is so important. Don't drown yourself in them, listen to them, try and understand why they're there, and use them to motivate you. Hi self doubt, I see you, I hear you, I'm moving forward now, but thanks for your time. Be the bigger person, even when you're battling with yourself.
Not believing in yourself, not loving and appreciating yourself are the hardest feelings to get over. They're always there, like a little demon on your shoulder reminding you that you're not good enough, and never will be.
At the end of the last academic year, I hit my absolute lowest point. I had messed up my degree, my relationship, and friendships I'd built during my first year. COVID struck, and I felt completely alone. My parents were busy working, my sister was in online school or on call with her various friends, and I was alone in my room with Netflix and my darkest fears. I've truly never felt so vulnerable, and those feelings have haunted me ever since. I felt like a burden reaching out to others to help, or for putting more pressure on my parents. I wasn't looking after myself, I had no motivation, as I questioned if I would ever be enough? I felt like no one was really checking in on me, and that maybe it was my fault. After finding out I failed my first year, it took all the strength I could possibly muster to drag myself to classes and try and make new friends. All I could think about was the fact I was putting myself at risk of people leaving me again because I wasn't enough for them. Somehow, I still managed to face my fears and put myself out there, and since then I've met some amazing people who I can't imagine my uni experience without. I still have my fears, I question the people around me and I struggle to fully trust and make new friends, but I'm working on it. I understand that people may not be talking to me because they have their own lives, their own struggles, and if I don't also try and reach out then maybe they won't know my situation, and we can talk. But sometimes it takes making that leap and risking rejection to realise how many people you do have around you.
I am getting better, but I still have my low moments, as we all do. I still struggle to feel like I am enough for anything and anyone, I still fear being alone and rejected, and I struggle to cope sometimes. I guess that's what makes me, and everyone else around me, human.
So, earlier I mentioned that making lists of achievements is on way of coping with anxious feelings of self-doubt, but I've discovered some more to, so I'd like to share some here.
Counselling - I started working with an amazing counsellor at my university at the start of this academic year, and I'm so glad I did. It gave me a place to talk about my feelings unjudged, and learn to understand them and deal with them in my own space and time. Ultimately, I reached a point where I felt like I was capable of handling thing on my own, but I know this is still a service available to me if I ever needed it again. Counselling isn't for everyone, but if you're struggling then its definitely worth a try.
Journaling - Keeping a personal account of your thoughts and feelings, what triggered them, and your reaction can help you to keep track an understand yourself better. Knowing what triggers you can help you find solutions in the future, and monitoring your thoughts and processes can help you identify patterns and find coping mechanisms. Ultimately, understanding yourself and your own thoughts can help lead you to a solution.
CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is something I discovered quite recently, and is something that can be done with a therapist or on your own. It is a way of managing and understanding your own thoughts, anxieties and insecurities. Below is a link to a free online workbook I found, and by googling CBT there is lots more out there, and I would really recommend it to anyone. Even if there isn't anything in particular on your mind, having that self understanding is so important and can help you keep on top of your mental state.
Talking - Talking about your feelings with someone you trust is so important, because bottling it all up inside will only ever eat away at you and make you feel worse. Doesn't matter if it's a friend, family member or councillor. I even find that sharing these insecurities with someone can bring you closer together, and I always feel honoured and grateful whenever someone trusts me enough to talk to me about their feelings.
In conclusion, we all struggle with feelings of self-doubt, some more so than others. You never know what someone else is going through, so always try and be kind. But also remember to put yourself first; sometimes self preservation is more necessary. But there are ways of working with your feelings, rather than letting them work against you. They'll likely never leave, it's more about learning to live with them, to not keep them at the forefront of your mind, and accepting who you are.
All my love,
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